How To Avoid Large Ships
by Obvious Ghost
Summary: Who's the real king of shipping? Nepeta would be so proud.


I'm basing this off of what I've seen in fics, comics, and fanart. This is by no means a full list of the most popular ships- I'm sure there are some I don't know of.

The last line of dialogue is something of a catchphrase for some Homestuck comics on Youtube.

[]

"Whoa, Dave, you gotta come see this!"

Dave appeared on the couch next to him. "Sup."

John jumped in surprise, yelling as he tumbled off the couch. He looked up from the floor, glaring at his friend, who had swiftly grabbed the laptop to keep it from falling. "Gee, thanks."

Dave shrugged. "Computers are fragile, yo. Egberts, on the other hand, heal up like freaking Wolverine. You'll be fine."

"_Yeah_ we do." He rubbed his head, wincing. "No fair stopping time just to mess with me."

"What." Dave glanced up from the computer. "Oh, that wasn't time stuff. Strider skills, man. Ask Bro about it sometime. So what am I looking at."

"Oh, right!" John hopped next to him, reaching over to the keyboard. "So, I found this website-"

"Don't like where this is going, Egbert."

"Shut up! It's nothing like that!" He brought up a page, pointing at the screen as he explained. "So there's this giant database, right, and it's full of people who, like, know us, I guess? It's actually kinda creepy, now that I think about it, like how did they even find out about us-"

Dave raised a hand. "Dude. Slow down. Heir of Breath's gotta breathe."

John didn't even look up. "That's lame, Dave. Anyway, they write all these stories and stuff about us, and what we do, and-"

Dave interrupted him again. "Wait. So we have fanfiction. That's weird."

"I know, right? The crazy part is, we're really popular! There's a ton of stuff here!"

"Huh." Leaning back, Dave shrugged again. "Actually, I changed my mind. Not weird. We're like celebrities. Don't tell me you never wanted to be famous, bro."

"Well, I've thought about it, I guess..." John scratched his head nervously. "I dunno. It's just kinda strange."

Dave casually flicked the screen. "Let's see what these stories are about, man."

"Sure!" John clicked on the first link he found, reading through the introduction. "Okay, so this is the author explaining what's gonna... wait..." He frowned. "What's 'smut'?"

"Oh. Crap." Dave quickly grabbed the laptop, sliding it to his side of the couch. "Yeah, we're not doing this."

"Hey! What the heck, Dave, give it back!"

He struggled in vain for a few seconds, flailing his arms while Dave held the computer just out of his reach. "Come on! How do you even know what it means, anyway?"

"Are you serious. My brother basically runs a porn site. I think I know what smut is."

"Bluh!" John gave up, sitting down in a huff. "What's so bad about it, anyway?"

"Trust me, you don't want-" Dave paused. "Wait. I have an idea."

He brought up a menu on the site, clicking through some filters, before handing the laptop back to John. "There we go."

John grudgingly took it. "You know I'll just look it up later, right?"

"Resist the temptation, Egbert. You are the Good Kid. He is you."

Already looking through the new list, John looked confused again. "Okay, now what's 'shipping'?"

"Dunno." Dave looked over his shoulder. "Where do you see it."

"This one!" John pointed to one of the stories. "See, it says 'JohnKat'! What the heck?" Fascinated, he started reading through the opening paragraphs, and Dave did the same.

Soon, Dave started laughing. Blushing bright red, John elbowed him in the stomach. "S-shut up, Dave! It's not funny!"

"Are you kidding, Egbert. That's freaking hilarious. And Karkat- Man, if he could see this-" He fell sideways, still chuckling. "I can't breathe. I'm gonna die. It's too ironic."

"Yeah, well..." Scowling, John leaned over the keyboard. "Let's see how you like it!"

Dave stopped. "Wait. What." But John had already scooted over, shielding the laptop as he searched.

"Hah! Found one!" John proudly turned back, displaying the screen. Dave scanned the text, expression neutral.

"Um. Egbert."

"Huh?" John glanced at the story. "It's you, and..." He froze, staring at the words in shock.

"Apparently they call it 'Stridercest'," Dave said calmly.

Face pale, John scrambled to close out of the page. "Oh crap, Dave, I'm really sorry! That just-" he shuddered. "I didn't mean to-"

Dave shook his head. "Don't worry about it, man. No big deal."

"R-really?"

"I've seen weirder stuff. Besides, if people wanna make us into Internet sex gods, who am I to stop them."

John hesitated. "What? Sex gods?"

Snatching the computer, Dave nodded. "You didn't think this was the only pair, did you. I probably have, like, a half dozen ships."

"That still sounds weird," John said, but Dave was already clicking through several pages.

He nodded with a smirk. "Thought so. I got five, at least, and that's just the popular ones. Terezi- yeah, I can see that. Karkat. Wow. Bro, but a lot people really seem to hate that one. Understandable. And Harley-" He paused. "I guess I never really-"

John thought he could see the coolkid aura slipping, just for a moment, as Dave seemed to lose focus, still facing the screen. Then he shook his head. "That's all," he said quickly.

"What? No, you said there were five!" John took a futile swipe at the laptop. "Lemme see!"

"What's wrong, Egbert. Are you jealous."

"Wha- _jealous?!_" John gritted his teeth. "That does it! Find mine!"

Dave paused. "That's not a good idea."

"Too bad!" Caught up in the competition, John grabbed the computer again, searching for his own name. "Hah! See, I have... well, I guess there's just four." Slightly disappointed, he looked through some of the most well-known ships.

His silence caused Dave to frown. "What. What's wrong."

Startled, John looked up. "Oh! Well, I'm just surprised!" He pointed to the screen. "I guess I have Karkat, too- it wasn't just that one story, there's tons of them! And Vriska- geez, THAT could get complicated. Even Rose! Wow, looks like Karkat's chart really inspired people."

Too late, Dave realized his mistake. John squinted. "And what's... what's 'PepsiCola'?"

At this moment, Dave Strider had no idea what to say, but luckily he was saved by a particularly angry voice.

"What are you idiots doing?"

John beamed. "Karkat! It's great to see you!"

The troll scowled, walking towards the couch. "Same here, except not at all. The opposite of what you said."

"What do you want, man."

Karkat's eye twitched. "Strider, I know I shouldn't assume that those bizarre face-blinders are somehow impairing your auditory senses, but I don't really see any alternative. Since it clearly wasn't obvious enough the first time, I want to know what you idiots are doing."

"Porn," Dave said immediately. "Just so much human porn. In fact, wow, I'm surprised we're able to handle all of this porn. It might just end up in a giant pornsplosion."

John sighed. "Dave, this is stupid."

"And you'll be all like, 'Oh no, better hide in my porn-bunker to keep me safe from the insane pornstorm going on up in here. Golly, I wish I had listened to Dave and gotten out of here when I still had the chance."

Karkat blinked. "John, I am fully prepared to disavow any arguments I've ever had with you in light of how much I agree with you at this second. That. Was. Stupid."

Sighing, John turned to Dave. "Why not just show him?"

For a second, Dave was silent. Then the slightest smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. "Yeah," he said slowly. "Yeah, why not."

As someone who thoroughly enjoyed Karkat's hilarious displays of fury, Dave watched closely as John explained the concept of shipping. He could see the troll's anger slowly giving way to confusion, his frown gradually disappearing. Karkat was actually leaning in, closely examining the computer as he tried to comprehend what was going on.

Eventually, he glanced up at John. "Are you telling me," he said delicately, "that you humans constructed an entire dataspace for the sole purpose of envisioning different characters, both real and imaginary, in compromising and often vulgar situations that may or may not result in human sex?"

Dave could barely contain his glee. Any minute now, John would nervously answer 'yes', and Karkat would proceed to flip his _everything_. And judging by his quiet, controlled tone, he was probably gearing up for the mother of all tantrums.

John nodded.

...

"Well, why didn't you just say so, Strider?"

"What." Dave blinked.

Karkat scowled. "John just explained an incredibly simple concept, even for you. Frankly, it's insulting that you thought I wouldn't understand. Have you even _met_ Nepeta?"

"Huh? So this isn't that weird for your weird troll-culture, or whatever?"

Karkat bristled. "John, the traditions and social complexities of Alternia are far too advanced for your feeble thinkpan to grasp." He paused. "But yes, we pretty much have this, too."

"Wow!" John turned to Dave, grinning widely. "_Ironic_, huh?"

Something about all this was... strange. Dave nodded absently. "Yeah, sure."

"Hey, this is cool!" John looked back at Karkat. "We finally have something in common! Y'know, stuff we can talk about!"

"Not even close," he scoffed. "Do I really have to explain this to you _again?_ You could have the Jade human's devilbeast partially digest and regurgitate the concept of troll romance, and it would _still_ be exponentially more intricate than either of you can even imagine. We do not have 'something in common'. If anything, we have another topic in which I can give you convince you of your pathetic ignorance, and the accompanying shame that you so justly deserve."

"...Um." Dave found himself at a loss for words.

John didn't. "Well, we get the ladies."

The sentence seemed to suck the sound out of the room. Karkat was gaping at John, mouth hanging open. "What?" he managed.

"Well, they're not all ladies," John admitted. "The point is, people basically think of us as... what was it again?" He looked pointedly at Dave. "Oh, yeah- sex gods!"

Dave was shocked. It was like John had no idea how furious he was making Karkat. The troll was hiding it fairly well, but his yellow eyes were just barely twitching again, and Dave could see his fingers curling. "You think," Karkat sputtered, turning his glare to Dave, "that just because people put you in ships, that you actually know about love?"

_Well, you gotta stand by your bros._

Dave shrugged. "Yeah."

John's smile was nearly breaking out of his face.

Karkat took a deep breath, but was cut off. "Oh! That gives me an idea!" John started typing again with a mischievous gleam in his eye.

Dave frowned. "Uh, Egbert. I don't know about this."

"Aw, come on, Dave!" John whispered. "This'll be the best prank ever!" He started scrolling through the page. "Hey Karkat, let's see what-"

He stopped. Karkat sighed, his rage diverted. "John, what are you talking about?"

John was completely frozen, simply staring at the screen. Dave leaned over, reading it himself.

Karkat's ships were...

"I can't believe it!" John said in awe. "There's so _many!"_

Behind the sunglasses, Dave's eyes were wide with surprise. There were more ships- and _popular_ ones- than his and Egbert's put together. Karkat's name was listed with both Dave and John, but also with Sollux, Terezi, Nepeta, Kanaya, Gamzee, even Eridan-

And was that _Harley?_

Karkat bumped into his side. "Let me see." Dave moved over, letting the troll see the screen for himself.

"Karkat, you're legend!" John exclaimed. Karkat blinked a few times, quietly reading the text onscreen.

Dave shifted nervously. This wasn't right. The irony and John's pranking weren't working. But Karkat was still just sitting there.

It was disconcerting.

After a while, he stood, glancing back down to the screen once. "Well," he began, "I'm only going to say this once."

Karkat turned to Dave, slowly raising his hand until it was in front of the coolkid's face. "Suck."

He flipped up his middle finger between the two lenses of the shades. "It."

A hint of a smile appeared beneath his scowl. "_Strider_."

With that, Karkat turned and strode away.


End file.
